canstockphoto4605133

Relationships -How To Stop Growing Apart

on December 10, 2010

Relationships never stand still; they are always moving through phases.  Either you’re moving closer,  towards a greater commitment or you’re moving further apart and then sometimes closer again. This is the rubber band phenomenon and it occurs because we humans are always changing individually.  When we meet someone and fall in love, we don’t often stop to consider how things will change over the course of the relationship. It’s no wonder; the intoxication of new love while navigating through the early stages of a relationship is plenty to consider. But it is useful to stand back and consider your partner in terms of where they are in life and how they will change over time. Now overlay that with how you may change. Consider things like career changes, children, family impacts and even hopes and dreams.  Are your partner’s aligned with your own?  Answering these questions early on can save you years of unhappiness.

In long-term relationships you eventually come to a phase of comfort that occurs once you and your partner are mutually assured of your commitment to each other. You fall into your respective roles and with the day to day pressures of life you soon take the status quo of the relationship for granted. The comfort phase has some pitfalls to watch out for because it’s a time that you may focus on other things such as children and for highly successful people, your career or business.  As time goes by, you may not notice changes that are occurring in the relationship. The most obvious one is communication with your partner or more accurately the communication that is not happening. Have you noticed things that you stop talking about? Perhaps not, because what you do notice is that your sex life is suffering. When you stop talking about meaningful issues such as your philosophy on life, you start to move apart. This happens as you lose your leverage in negotiating or influencing each other towards common ground. It’s an insidious toxin that is lethal to your relationship and it’s often misdiagnosed as just a temporary symptom of hectic lifestyles. So it goes unaddressed.  You may both start out by thinking things will get better once the kids are older, or business slows down a little.  This type of thinking is a coping strategy but doesn’t address the real issues. Both you and your partner are affected by your current circumstances which affect your thinking and drive internal changes to your core philosophies.  If your core changes aren’t aligned with your partner’s, you will drift apart.

A typical example is your philosophy on raising kids. If you are the working parent that only sees your kids after supper on most nights, you may want to spend your time playing with them late into the evening. While your spouse who has spent the last 12 hours with them just wants to get them into bed and enjoy some quiet adult time. This difference, which may never be talked about, may drive a wedge between you and cause your spouse to become increasingly distant from you.

The comfort phase of a relationship is also a killer in the bedroom. As you defer to the usual manoeuvres over and over again you will both grow bored and, where women are concerned, it can cause them to lose all interest in sex.

As well, keeping in mind that men and women are wired differently, if there is distance, damage or resentment in your relationship, it will also kill a women’s interest in sex.

Let’s face it, in some situations growing apart is almost impossible to avoid because you didn’t start out with a strong connection to begin with. You may have deep fundamental differences that you didn’t think to uncover before committing to each other.

However, for most relationships, if you start out with a solid bond and you truly want to stay in the relationship or improve it, then the following fundamentals must be followed:

Assess your reasons for wanting the relationship and prioritize them

Think through what your initials reasons were for making a commitment and how they have changed over time. Most likely there won’t be a black and white answer but if you look back at the beginning and are honest with yourself, you will discern the priority criteria that lead you to a decision and you can assess if it has changed over time. Answering these questions will help you recalibrate your efforts. For example if you married because you think your spouse would make a great parent for your children, your mindset and approach is clearly different than if you married the person because you thought they would be an ongoing enthusiastic sex partner.

Listen to your partner

Early on, your partner will try to communicate with you and engage you. This is the stormy phase where arguments seem frequent. Always try to step into their shoes and really listen to what they’re saying. Sometimes we listen but miss the real message behind the words. It helps to replay the conversation in your head at a later time to really focus on the intended message.

Later in the relationship, listen for silence. Has your partner stopped confiding in you or engaging you in conversation at all? Are they quietly going through the motions with you but becoming emotionally unavailable? If this happens it’s a sign of resignation and withdrawing from the relationship.  This is the first sign of doom. As soon as you notice it, nip it in the bud. There are two main ways of doing this: 1) ask gentle probing questions to get at the root of the shut-down, then set out fiercely to make the required changes. Do not talk about your intended changes (because most likely your partner is no longer listening to you anyway)  but rather demonstrate the changes.  2) face the matter head on and acknowledge that you are aware of the communication breakdown. Open yourself up honestly and renew your commitment to making it work

Understand the differences in men and women

Men and women are hard-wired differently. It is mind blowing to really wrap your head around this concept.  You can think of it this way.  Men are CD players and women are MP3 players. Both play the same music but they are completely different machines inside. If you stop to consider what this really means and how it applies to everyday living you will benefit greatly throughout your entire life. One of the first things you need to do in a relationship is figure out what the differences are and learn to see situations from your partner’s point of view.

Here is a generalized example of what this really means.  A man’s view on sex is that it is a physical need that needs to be satisfied like satisfying a craving for chocolate when you see a delicious desert you want to eat it. A woman’s view of sex is that it is an affirmation of deep feelings and commitment. That’s why men are more prone to having affairs. In their minds they do not see it as a betrayal of their love for their spouse but just a need in the moment with whatever dessert appears most tasty.

If you can accept from the outset that your partner is programmed differently you can stop trying to change their wiring and focus on other ways for managing your situation.

Understand that both you and your partner are changing

People change. It’s inevitable. We know that but how we react to changes in our partner and in ourselves will determine the health of the relationship.  One of the greatest things you can do to maintain a relationship strong is learn to respect and support changes in your partner. That’s a lot to ask of anyone especially when, at the outset you have no idea what kind of changes will be forthcoming.  However, it’s a requirement if long term relationships are to survive. Changes can come in the form of major life altering events such as an unplanned pregnancy, or they can be ideological changes that occur inside people and affect their outlook.  The latter are more difficult to manage because they are not always clearly discernible.  Your best hope is to maintain ongoing meaningful communication so that you can participate and influence these types of changes.

Use the Rubber Band Effect to your advantage

Relationships are in motion all the time. At times you will be close to your partner and then you will pull away.  This repeats during the course of your relationship. If you observe carefully, you’ll  notice that space is good for couples and you should use it to your advantage. Use distance as a way to rejuvenate yourself and bring back something new to the relationship. This can include a new attitude or perspective.  Keep your periods of distance short and remember to maintain a tether in place so that your partner is puzzled but not insecure.  An example of how to do this may be as simple as just doing something you don’t ordinarily do for yourself such as going out and buying yourself a new outfit or spend a night out with friends. The purpose is to make yourself interesting and attractive again.  This type of change creates a bit of mystery and intrigue because your partner can’t anticipate your every move.

On the flip-side, never use distance as punishment or for control because this creates damage and resentment which is guaranteed to backfire on you and drive you apart even further.

Manage your Sex life

Every relationship suffers rough waters at some point and unfortunately sex is usually the first casualty.  Here are some things to consider if you want to continue in a long  and meaningful  relationship;

1.       You and your partner are likely to see sex completely different. Not only the reasons for having sex but when, where and even how. Good sex requires all of the stars to align for both of you.  So figure out what works for your partner both emotionally and physically and then do your best to provide it. This isn’t always an easy thing to do but has major payoff.

2.       Never use sex for control. The moment you withhold or demand sex as a way of getting something from your partner you will do irreparable damage to the relationship.

3.       Regardless of what is happening in the relationship, if you are engaging in sex, always be generous and giving. Let down your walls and be there for your partner. This goes a long way towards repairing damage. It creates intimacy and opens up feelings that remind you of how good your relationship used to be.

Understand the art of communicating

Communication in relationships is such a cliché. Everyone communicates.  The challenge is how your partner receives and digests it. For starters people communicate differently. This ties back to the differences in hard wiring. For example, there are direct and indirect communicators. If you and your partner are opposites in this area, you will be like oil and water, unless you recognize it and learn to deal with it. An indirect communicator will never answer a question clearly and drives a direct communicator crazy.  The challenge for you is to learn to listen to your partner and if they are not a talker don’t waste all your energy trying to engage them in long conversations but instead learn to read their facial expression or body language.  Other communication challenges may include the ability to digest certain concepts. For example some people can’t assimilate more than one concept at a time so if you are talking fast or relaying multiple ideas, they just won’t capture it and will likely feel overwhelmed. Soon they will likely shut down with silence. In this case you might want to try other alternatives such as quick texts with one issue at time. There are many tricks and tools that the BlackJag Executive will provide you to address the core issues on communication challenges.

Copyright  © 2011 The BlackJag Executive All Rights Reserved




Related Articles:

Tagged with: • • • • • •